But I did manage it well, thanks to a venting channel.

I planned on this awhile back, but I did finally trade in my car for something more practical (for me), and also put a good chunk of cash in my pocket so I can get better clothes and have time to seek out and actually get a decent job instead of doing gig work for a living.

Gig work is great, but there is are some unmentionables that I took some time to think about. Things like staying isolated, not getting a lot of job satisfaction aside from dopamine drops here and there, no real longevity, wear and tear on the car, no benefits, etc. When I realized, looking at my resume and now having some great local references, I realized the only thing actively preventing me from getting a full time job somewhere was the fact that I simply didn’t have clothes, and the grind of gig work kept me so busy that I was still only working for bills.

I also have time to rest my mind, relax a bit, and regroup.

Anyway, I fumbled socializing yesterday like a pro…either that or the cards weren’t in my favor. I went to lunch with some highly extraverted friends who, by way of the conversation, left me feeling like the fifth wheel. We did some window shopping at the mall and they ran into so many people they knew and I was just kinda standing there like a bump on a log. I know it wasn’t intentional, but I just felt really uncomfortable. All that, and a day or two prior, each of them individually let me know how they really appreciated my help with some things, so I was really confused.

Then I went and got my PC out of the shop, and learned it was irreparable. It’d been going out for awhile, and wasn’t the first time I’d had to take it for the exact same repair. Luckily, I didn’t have anything valuable on it, and I can just download everything that was on it. AND THEN I went ahead and bought a monitor from Wally World, and when I got home, got it assembled, and connected it to my laptop, I saw it’d been dropped at least one time too many between the truck and the shelf. I just felt emotionally busted at that point.

So part of that cash will go to a better PC set up, and I may go for it and just get a brand new PC. I have enough $ from the car trade that I can afford a new PC comfortably, still get some good clothes, and still take a couple of weeks for that rest that I mentioned.

The good news is that I got a solid Canon DSLR for super cheap, and am extremely excited to use it. Baseball season is already underway, and I am looking forward to getting some shots this year! I might go do some bird watching later, just to see how well it holds up.

But the everything that happened yesterday just felt like an orchestrated attack on my self-confidence, which left me feeling pretty worthless. I vocalized it in the venting channel I was talking about earlier, and someone was kind enough to remind me that it wasn’t me. It was just circumstances and two people who were tone deaf to the fact that I can’t really socialize when I am nervous.

I’m okay. Still a bit baffled at yesterday’s events and trying to shake it off. Today will be a better day.