My god, this has been a difficult week. I’m 100% in a depressive episode. I am starting to find footing again, but it’s a brain battle more than a physical one. I’m actually glad I prepared for some time to myself, because I’m making use of it. I think the last time I was in a depressive episode was last October-November, which tracks with my history. Spring hits, I get depressed. Fall hits, I get depressed. I feel like it’s a little bit early, this time, but I’ve been in treatment for it, so perhaps the meds, therapy stuff, and external (unexpected) stuff ushered it in a bit early, and I’m just suddenly “in it” instead of slowly going down hill.

On Monday, I talked to my coach about everything, and today, I met with my psych. She said the same thing my coach said (which still baffles me). I’m doing great, it may not feel like it internally, because it feels like a failure, but the truth is, if I am so aware that I can talk about it while actively going through it, even if I cannot immediately do anything about it, that’s progress. My choice to rest and not force myself into an even deeper pit by putting myself in a position where I actually would fail is alone significant of progress.

We talked about goals for the next ten days, for the month, and for the next three months, and the conversation left me feeling more grounded in myself. For the next ten days, I want to get my house spotless and welcoming again. I want to get some job applications out and actually get one (I’m a shoe-in for several places that I didn’t even think about until an irl friend strongly encouraged me to check out). And I want to get back on my IPSRT schedule — in a way that actually meets my body’s desires (like to go to bed before midnight instead of between midnight and 2am like I’ve been doing).

I told her I was excited about going to an event that I know my mind isn’t ready for. I know I’d be all tears and apologizing for myself, and that alone might keep me from going. Not because I don’t want to go, but because I want to actually be healthy when I go…I’d absolutely love to go, but my heart says no. She told me that I need to listen to my heart. (The irony is that the person I’d be crying at and apologizing to has told me that in some manner in the past — about listening to my heart, I mean.)

And for the next three months, I just want to make myself stay away from people who actively hurt me. Like “those two.” And to get over this fear of connection. Which, we talked about my coach voluntelling me to go to meetings again, and my psych 100% is on board. A depressive state in isolation is basically an open door to an actual alcoholic relapse. I’m close to a year sober, I want to keep that going.

She encouraged me to do an IPSRT checklist, and make sure I’m in league with my body, and make sure I’m eating like I’m supposed to, etc. “The checklist is there for a reason.” I know, I know…these things don’t prevent my swings, they help me manage them.

So I got home and basically fell back into bed and slept for four more hours, since these downswings really take it out of me. When I woke up, I went straight to the ibuprofen, made dinner, and woke up feeling much better (not out of the downswing, mind you), and I actually had mental space to start working on the house…finally. I didn’t get a lot done, but I got pretty close. I got my bathroom cleaned up. Spotless. With the right cleaners, this time. Now, I’ve got incense going, and am about to find a game to play before bed.

Oh — I opted for a zoom meeting, today, but it was still a good one. Did a discord meeting, too. So…may not have been in person, but I still got some experience, strength, and hope. And I know my discord meeting people, so it was still with friends, even if not close proximity friends.

I want to write more but I want to also go relax. So…off I go, then.