Category Archives: Zero Filter

I Beat a Meltdown by the Skin of My Teeth

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Had a bit of a rough swing upon waking this morning. I wrote my post on the main site about intention the other night, basically about how you have to have a goal or aim before really moving toward something, and explaining in full detail how I set my intention during my morning routine. Whimsicality isn’t really in the cards for a person who’s leaving a bad situation as I have, especially when you’re fighting complex trauma, bipolar disorder, and the subtexts of adhd and high functioning autism, which those two aren’t officials, since the symptoms very strongly overlap to the point that it’d be remiss to treat them individually when I already have cptsd and bipolar disorder. So when I wake up, at the moment I open my eyes, I absolutely must state my intentions for the day before I even get out of bed…and if I’m feeling like doodie as soon as I open my eyes, I have to make room for setting myself upright first.

Today was one of those days.

I woke up mad. I don’t know why, and there wasn’t a reason that I could find. But I was mad. So I took some ibuprofen alongside my meds and made some coffee, then let myself wake up and calm down. But all of my normal outlets for comfort made me even more irritable, even after I started to feel better. This was definitely a bipolar thing. I’ve learned that if the situation doesn’t have a source, it’s bipolar. If it does have a source, it’s from the cptsd.

After watching one of my PHP-sourced videos about bipolar and dealing with unruly emotions, I found my footing for the day and gave myself the emotional space for error, because at this rate, any unexpected negatives would result in a complete meltdown, but I still had to work, and I still had things to do. I even texted my coach to let her know. I said “hey, be prepared, I woke up mad and don’t know why, and am on edge, I can feel a meltdown coming on.” She replied simply, “am ready. text if it gets bad, I’ll meet you somewhere when I am open” and let me know when she would be available if something happened.

I started my work day a little late (5pm instead of 2), which is fine — I set my schedule, and did take time to make a few things in my house look absolutely spectacular, which did help with the whole “do something that makes you feel like you’ve achieved something” goal. I washed, dried, and put away all of the dishes, wiped down the inside of the fridge, cleared my counter and stovetop, cleared my dining table, and swept and spot-mopped the entire floor in the open area (the living room/kitchen space is one room, which I call the open area). Then I sprayed a combination of disinfectant spray (Lysol “mango/hibiscus” scented spray) and Febreeze Air “Mountain” scent to give my house an amazingly gorgeous and clean, cool feel. Honestly, the scents made everything feel better.

Work was amazing until it abruptly wasn’t. Around 10pm, I was bombarded with five rapid fire really shitty order offers that I had no time to log off between, which knocked me down from platinum status to gold status. They were the kinds of orders that only desperate drivers would have taken — 8 miles for $3…or 18 for a 20 mile order that was literally in the middle of BFE (nowhere), for example. The 20 mile order is something I would have taken if it was near more restaurants, but it was essentially a 40 mile trip for 18 bucks. Not worth the work due to time and mileage. But they were rapid fire and I couldn’t get out of the algorithm glitch fast enough to be able to avoid the drop to gold.

On one level, “oh no!” (dramatic and sarcastic gasp) I’ve gone Gold! But gold status still gives decent offers, and is quite easy to get out of if I am consistent and the orders are also nice. But the glitch and rapid fire hit me enough that I had to call it a night right there. I hit my baseline goal, but was $50 short of my long-term goal for the night, which I feel I would have hit if I simply didn’t hit the glitch. No worries, still on target.

When I got home, I oddly enough felt regulated. Even with the unexpected situation with work, I didn’t actually go into meltdown. Did I just avoid a meltdown? Like for real? I did all the things I was supposed to, and still felt upset, and I still hit an unexpected issue…and I didn’t actually drop into meltdown…is it waiting to happen later? I actually don’t think so. I think I saw it upon waking due to how I assess my mood right when I wake up, and I did the proper self-care processes, and I had an otherwise good day cleaning and working, and now I’m actually feeling okay? I mean, I’m still a bit irritable, but I’m by no means fighting an urge to dive headfirst into complete self-destruction. I think I actually did well!!!

I texted my coach and let her know I was fine, and she said “ok, we’ll meet on Friday so you can tell me details if you wish to when we meet — glad you’re okay and see you at the meeting tomorrow, we’ll chat then, too! Be safe!” I was just…wow. I might have done something right to avoid a meltdown.

Due to my levels of anxiety/irritability, I chose not to do gym stuff or go for my walk, which I wonder if I should have done it anyway, but I think I did everything right.

Basically, this was a really longwinded way of saying “I had a win.”

21 Feb 2026 – Already the weekend?

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Sorry for not writing much. Just noticing I’m getting crawled a lot by certain systems and am considering removing a large chunk of my posts as a result. I just don’t want to be fodder for a certain lawoahrge laeeeeeeeeeenguage mowowdel. Being increasingly frustrated with a certain search engine’s confidently incorrect response bot, and I’m just kinda sick of realizing that net neutrality is slowly fading out.

Sleep Hygiene
Getting my 8, just not on the schedule I want. It fits my current routine, though, so I’m not quite ready to change it — if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And for Pete’s sake, don’t worry about it.

Also noticed I’ve not had a lot of time to write on a daily schedule, which makes me sad on one level, but on the other hand it means I can save my thoughts and write more meaningful posts…which would be a bonus to the main blog.

Mind Hacks
Making a practice of slowing down has actually helped me get more done. I cannot explain it, except maybe it’s because I’m able to be more thorough and not make as many mistakes.

Nutrition
Got a system down. Feeling a lot better, a lot less um…fuller? Not full like satiated, but like I’m not carrying around so much extra water? Whatever that’s called.

Supplements
Still haven’t gotten the supporting supplements, but that will come in due time.

Soulwork
Still meditating.

Aesthetics
Not yet. Not ready.

Thee…what now?

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Welcome to the back door of my blog…while I begin to populate my new space @ the main site, I still want a place to bitch speak candidly about what I’m doing to improve. But unlike the personal journal section on main, I want this to be about me. What I’m doing, what my goals are, etc. The place where I’ll share actual selfies and cry about my size or talk about how restricted yet perfect my current lifestyle changes are. I’m just not really interested in putting this out there, if nothing else than for me and to share with people who might be interested.

So let’s talk about what’s on Thee Radical Seth’s plate!

So I have a few things going on. And am not being perfect about it at all. But we’ll cover it all in this post.

Sleep Hygiene Adjustments

Like right now, it’s almost 1am and I’m supposed to be getting back into my midnight sleep schedule, but I’m considering switching it to 10pm for more accountability and less availability (if you are an introvert, you may understand what I mean by less availability). My irl friends respect my schedule, and I may have mentioned it in other places, but my kind of friends are the ones you feel like you don’t have to talk to all the time. But if there is a big event or if someone is hurt or needs well wishes, we are 100% there for each other. Occasional “you still alive?” type posts are perfect.

But I’ve noticed that my circles did have several people who were in my life for themselves to the point that they did not respect boundaries for whatever reason. Which, from that experience with them, I saw parallels to my own behavior when I have difficulty maintaining boundaries with some folks. It allowed me to have more empathy when people were that way with me. I did cut one out, but it was due to other factors just making me feel weird as hell. The other ones I feel aren’t malicious. Just…overexcitable, like me. And that’s okay.

Anyway, so yeah, first on my plate is moving my sleep patterns to a ~10pm to ~6am schedule. I feel like I miss waking up with the sun or close to it. Waking up early makes the day feel longer and more productive, especially if you are able to manage your time wisely. And the 12-8 while in PHP was nice, but late nights feel like I’m trying to force the day to last longer. Waking up after the sun rises makes me feel like I lost part of the day because I was asleep.

Nutritional Adjustments

This will be a shock to the system, but not in a bad way. In PHP, I learned to eat on a routine: three squares, three snacks (including my bedtime snack to ensure my blood sugar was regulated). But we didn’t put restrictions on what I was eating, only that I was eating.

Well not any more. I went back to an old grocery list that is quite possibly the simplest but most effective list I’ve ever had. I start out with eating only chicken, potatoes, broccoli, and carrots. Oh…and olive oil (one tbsp per meal). I can technically have as much as I want, but my goal is 2500 calories and those are the only 4 items I get to eat. Which, for fat loss, one would look at the caloric intake and think “holy shit, Seth, that’s 500 over your BMR” yes. I need calories to actually work out, to do my walking, etc. My BMR is 2088, and and eating a 2500 calorie diet will end up with me still in a calorie deficit.

Basically I’m making a big batch of chicken, broccoli, carrots, and potatoes, and I’m either baking or cooking it over the stove, and it’s what I eat for three meals and three smaller snacks. Boring, yes, but I kinda like the rote expectations of something like this.

Add in the fact that I’ve been eating mostly packaged, sodium-heavy foods and drinks (diet sodas have a a lot of sodium), the diet will do much more than help balance things out. Actually, I really hate calling it a diet, as it’s intended to be a permanent lifestyle change.

After two to three weeks, I will start to add in eggs, salmon, sweet potatoes, and rice, and some other vegetables. But the point of the strict start to this is to remove the pleasure from eating and to get used to shopping the perimeter again. We are eating to sustain, not eating to enjoy (though don’t tell anyone, I picked chicken, broccoli, carrots, and potatoes because I love them so much and it’d be a perfect beginning list). So I don’t want to add anything else until I become comfortable just rushing through the perimeter for what I need without feeling like I’m going to miss out on foods I’d normally eat for pleasure (like potato chips).

Supplement Adjustments

I’ve decided to add a stronger multivitamin as well as some other supplements to support the switch to such a limited list of ingredients for my nutritional changes. First, I’m getting back on a pre-natal with DHA. I’m also adding omega 3s, zinc, and liquid cal-mag. I will still be getting my creatine and liquid l-carnitine in, and am considering reintroducing CLA to help with my gut health (and that tiny fat loss assistance), but not yet. Since I’m getting in adequate carbohydrates and fats, I may not need it. Will eventually talk about all of this too, and why it’s a great addition to what I am eating, but…that’s for another post.

Gym Adjustments

I’ve begun going to the gym regularly as of about two weeks ago, and am already feeling the positive effects of simply treating the row of machine weights like they’re a circuit. I do 3-5 sets of up to 15 reps, low to no weight, just letting myself move and get my muscles warmed up. After being rather sedentary for the past…ugh, um eight years at least, and having failed gym attempts, this time feels right. And consistently doing these circuits along with 30 minutes on the dreadmill at 3.5mph on a 1.5 incline has been incredible for my movement and flexibility, like I said at two weeks in. I’m preparing to add an actual weight routine to this, and slowly get off of the circuits unless I change my mind. It feels good to run them like I do. My stiffness is going away and I’m feeling less…idk…like a blob that can’t move?

I’ll save it for another day, but I don’t do push/pull/legs, nor do I do a “gym bro” one group a day six days a week. Each group has different recovery times, so one may be every two days while another might be every four days. Along side those bigger groups, I have three specific areas that I work on their own schedule: calves, abs, and rear delts. It is complicated to explain, but I understand it, and that’s all that matters. BUT I will share the details in a different post.

Mind Hacks

I’ve also decided to start mapping out how I’m regaining my critical thinking skills alongside my emotional regulation progress. Being bipolar with complex trauma is like being stuck in the middle of a mine field, where I may see one tripwire, but then step on another after avoiding the one I saw. Learning to mitigate the mental shock of things that have nothing to do with me (since narcissism kinda made me responsible for everything, including other people’s moods and behaviors) has become easier, but still not perfected. I still get mad, but I also am learning to step back, look at it later and see where the conflict was. Except I still struggle with keeping the lid on it when it overwhelms me.

Usually it’s boundary-related, and more often than not, it is my own boundaries, where I push myself long after I feel like I just don’t have the spoons for a person or situation and need to let myself rest. And learning to actually hack the part of my brain that knee-jerk reacts isn’t easy. I think I’m 4 for 5 on that, lately. But there’s hacks.

Without sharing too much in an introductory post, I’m talking about the 7-5-3-2-1 study hack, the Pomodoro method, binaural beats and how to use them, rubber ducking, the Feynman technique, and several others that I am interested in and have implemented.

Soulwork

I’m also learning to find my inner spirituality without being completely spiritual about it. Meditation has become a mainstay in my life, where I have gotten quite adept at sitting still for fifteen minutes and just turning everything in my brain off and just experiencing the wide open space in my mind. I’m remembering the benefits of aromatherapy, and how certain frequencies can change a mood. Also remembering how well the Law of Attraction works (I don’t believe in it, per se, but it’s been 100% accurate, so far). But again…future posts.

Aesthetics

This one I am most nervous about. I plan on sharing current pics of myself. I have a very poor body image, but I’m hoping that sharing images as I progress will give me something to notice as I keep growing beyond partial hospitalization.

But not yet. lol

Anyway, if you’ve taken the time to read, welcome to the ass end of the site. I hope what I share here will be enjoyable. Also…this will be where I work on posts for the main site. xD So you can kinda get a preview.