Had a bit of a rough swing upon waking this morning. I wrote my post on the main site about intention the other night, basically about how you have to have a goal or aim before really moving toward something, and explaining in full detail how I set my intention during my morning routine. Whimsicality isn’t really in the cards for a person who’s leaving a bad situation as I have, especially when you’re fighting complex trauma, bipolar disorder, and the subtexts of adhd and high functioning autism, which those two aren’t officials, since the symptoms very strongly overlap to the point that it’d be remiss to treat them individually when I already have cptsd and bipolar disorder. So when I wake up, at the moment I open my eyes, I absolutely must state my intentions for the day before I even get out of bed…and if I’m feeling like doodie as soon as I open my eyes, I have to make room for setting myself upright first.
Today was one of those days.
I woke up mad. I don’t know why, and there wasn’t a reason that I could find. But I was mad. So I took some ibuprofen alongside my meds and made some coffee, then let myself wake up and calm down. But all of my normal outlets for comfort made me even more irritable, even after I started to feel better. This was definitely a bipolar thing. I’ve learned that if the situation doesn’t have a source, it’s bipolar. If it does have a source, it’s from the cptsd.
After watching one of my PHP-sourced videos about bipolar and dealing with unruly emotions, I found my footing for the day and gave myself the emotional space for error, because at this rate, any unexpected negatives would result in a complete meltdown, but I still had to work, and I still had things to do. I even texted my coach to let her know. I said “hey, be prepared, I woke up mad and don’t know why, and am on edge, I can feel a meltdown coming on.” She replied simply, “am ready. text if it gets bad, I’ll meet you somewhere when I am open” and let me know when she would be available if something happened.
I started my work day a little late (5pm instead of 2), which is fine — I set my schedule, and did take time to make a few things in my house look absolutely spectacular, which did help with the whole “do something that makes you feel like you’ve achieved something” goal. I washed, dried, and put away all of the dishes, wiped down the inside of the fridge, cleared my counter and stovetop, cleared my dining table, and swept and spot-mopped the entire floor in the open area (the living room/kitchen space is one room, which I call the open area). Then I sprayed a combination of disinfectant spray (Lysol “mango/hibiscus” scented spray) and Febreeze Air “Mountain” scent to give my house an amazingly gorgeous and clean, cool feel. Honestly, the scents made everything feel better.
Work was amazing until it abruptly wasn’t. Around 10pm, I was bombarded with five rapid fire really shitty order offers that I had no time to log off between, which knocked me down from platinum status to gold status. They were the kinds of orders that only desperate drivers would have taken — 8 miles for $3…or 18 for a 20 mile order that was literally in the middle of BFE (nowhere), for example. The 20 mile order is something I would have taken if it was near more restaurants, but it was essentially a 40 mile trip for 18 bucks. Not worth the work due to time and mileage. But they were rapid fire and I couldn’t get out of the algorithm glitch fast enough to be able to avoid the drop to gold.
On one level, “oh no!” (dramatic and sarcastic gasp) I’ve gone Gold! But gold status still gives decent offers, and is quite easy to get out of if I am consistent and the orders are also nice. But the glitch and rapid fire hit me enough that I had to call it a night right there. I hit my baseline goal, but was $50 short of my long-term goal for the night, which I feel I would have hit if I simply didn’t hit the glitch. No worries, still on target.
When I got home, I oddly enough felt regulated. Even with the unexpected situation with work, I didn’t actually go into meltdown. Did I just avoid a meltdown? Like for real? I did all the things I was supposed to, and still felt upset, and I still hit an unexpected issue…and I didn’t actually drop into meltdown…is it waiting to happen later? I actually don’t think so. I think I saw it upon waking due to how I assess my mood right when I wake up, and I did the proper self-care processes, and I had an otherwise good day cleaning and working, and now I’m actually feeling okay? I mean, I’m still a bit irritable, but I’m by no means fighting an urge to dive headfirst into complete self-destruction. I think I actually did well!!!
I texted my coach and let her know I was fine, and she said “ok, we’ll meet on Friday so you can tell me details if you wish to when we meet — glad you’re okay and see you at the meeting tomorrow, we’ll chat then, too! Be safe!” I was just…wow. I might have done something right to avoid a meltdown.
Due to my levels of anxiety/irritability, I chose not to do gym stuff or go for my walk, which I wonder if I should have done it anyway, but I think I did everything right.
Basically, this was a really longwinded way of saying “I had a win.”